definitions of MARCH

welcome to March, defined as “the third month of the year, in the northern hemisphere usually considered the first month of spring". 

also known as the noun, “forward movement“,  or the verb: “to move in a direct purposeful manner.” 

or in French, " avancée, "  which means progress.  everything sounds better spoken in French, that's my vote.  ce est mon vote.  

i was reading the Psalms this morning, which many days i turn to because they find me where i am.   i arrived at Psalm 3 where i saw my handwriting scribbled next to verse 5.   i had written, “You awake me for another day” along with the date:  March 3, 2014.   i  remember that morning, which i then eventually shared with y'all  in the shape of this blog post.  

i can’t believe it’s been a year since then. as we all know, [as we get older] the months fly by.  but in other ways it feels like the course of three years has been crammed into the months leading to now.  

last week i wrote about this season of waiting,  where it has been easy for me to fall into the lie of believing that “nothing” has really changed or is changing, or giving way or transpiring.  but when i saw Psalm 3 this morning it reminded me, it triggered my memory of the mighty amazing things that’ve come this year.

this year has been one of healing…
many of you have written me emails & notes of encouragement as i’ve shared about bouts of depression that sink down heavy. you resonate because you face these too.  many of us women are facing them.

we’re brought to places of struggle that give way to wanting help, like a dam finally breaking and a flood pouring out.  these are places of very distinct Grace.  isn't realizing you need help one of the most beautiful things?


and God uses many different means to draw us to a place of surrender.  

in november my fight with depression came to a head.   for me it came quietly but swiftly one morning as i sat in front of our fireplace, staring & thinking like i often do. and i realized two things - “i need help”.  and secondly - “i’m putting chris through hell by not asking for help. it’s selfish of me to stand my ground”.  

i asked some close friends their recommendation for a medical doctor and like a little, nervous bird i walked gingerly into the clinic and told the kind doctor about my brain. he listened well, and his listening was a comfort.  in the end i left with a prescription for a very low dose of an anti-depressant, still skeptical if it would work - or do more harm? i didn’t know. but i did know my capacity to be stubborn had disintegrated and i prayed God would use this step as a means towards mending.

when chris & i left the pharmacy with pills in hand i jokingly told him for his anniversary gift  i got myself anti-depressants.  we both laughed out loud. at that point we had both cried & fought enough to be able to make light of things. 

and from clinic to pharmacy to parking lot to front door to kitchen table, i began something new with hesitation and also hopefulness.

i will not write here that pills are the answer for all our problems. they are not. but i will say that there are times in our earthly life when medical means of help is a God-send.  

every day i take my little half-of-a-pill, and i also eat well.  i cannot stress this avenue for body & brain wellness enough.   vegetables are what will win you energy and commit less stress on your internal workings.   arugula is the new kale.   and going for a walk is paramount my dear friends.   these are all good things that promote wellness.  

i can write to you today, one year from my last post about depression, and say freely i'm discovering amy again.  i can think clearly.  i’m not scared to leave the house. i have ideas. my brain doesn’t feel like it’s screaming at me, or like a fright train that won’t slow down.  it's cause for celebration.

i know very well there isn't a perfect, pretty bow to tie on top of this post or this subject or your intimate circumstance, but i share all this in detail to encourage you, surely to those of you sisters who are fighting deeply with darkness this morning.  depression isn't easy, nor is it simple or formulaic.  

i will say this assuredly to you:   i've learned that your hope and my hope is not in a pill or a diet or our husbands or our besties but in God who gives us all these things for our goodness.

it was the Psalms that convinced me of this, and have continued to be a place i go to almost every day.  if you can only read one thing when you wake in the morning, the Psalms are heart cries from dark places to the One who is our Hope.  He hears you, and wants to be your Refuge.

can i pray for you somehow? you can write me a note & tell me so.  i hope we can encourage each other in this month of March,   in the places we we want to move forward, in the circumstances we want know progress.  in the darknesses we want to find Light again.  in brokenness, healing.