home state house hunt hamster wheel

can a blog post title have that many words?  is that a run-on sentence or a really cool band name?    i have no idea, but it feels right .

have you ever felt like you're stuck in a hamster wheel?  that's the image that came to my mind tonight as i looked at the montana real estate listings for the umpteenth billionth time this month,  so far .  christopher & i made the trek with all our belongings from kansas to montana over a month ago now, and i've been faithfully, (which is the nice way of saying 'obsessingly') watching houses make their appearance on the market, & just as quickly as they arrive, they're gone .  and my hamster wheel just keeps turning . 

we're renting a small little place in helena, montana for the month of january, and we've decided once january is over we are going to go......   somewhere .   

maybe some of you out there are vagabonds at heart, through & through .  you love living out of your duffel bag or hatchback, discovering new places & people & eating lots of cereal .  i was like that once .  i blame my 30's for the shift of desire .  now i crave home... a place i can rest my head every night, make meals, burn toast, learn how to knit, build fires, grow herbs for cocktails, invite people over & maybe, hopefully, write some songs or a book . these are the scenes & the moments in myself i'm wired to long for, at this point in my life . 

so when we decided to make this move & hire companies to load up all our belongings, including my beloved piano, into a giant truck & carry them across the country & put them into a little metal storage unit, i sort of assumed we would find a home quickly & be reunited with our cast iron pan & my piano & our farm table pretty soon after we arrived .  

i was wrong .

it just hasn't unfolded like i thought it would,  is all .  and i'm starting to panic . there, i said it .  okay, fine,   the truth is i'm past the starting-to stage, and i'm onto the "i've been panicking more than i care to admit" stage . 

thus, the hamster wheel of watching realtor.com like a hawk (even though we have a a great realtor? so that seems ironic and like a waste of time, amy) .  but maybe, just maybe, something's come up in the last 10 minutes and NO ONE was near their computer to notice?    maybe you've moved before and you know what i'm talking about .  

i'm starting to fear i'm sounding crazy to y'all out there reading this....
but really, i'm mostly hoping i just sound honest . because it's in these places, the uncertain, very uncomfortable places in this life where we are confronted with the realities of what we think about God . 

the God who's redeemed my life .  the God who brought me to christopher after i prayed through sobbing tears in the middle-of-nowhere-south-dakota "Lord, bring me my husband" .   this is the God who provided chris & i with a home in kansas that was our solace during this past difficult year,  and who surprises us all the time with gifts we didn't expect .  the God who i've learned is good & loves me never-ending, who heals and who pardons, and lifts people out of deep pain and freely, unabashedly gives new life .  

& yet, still,   i keep hitting the same wall these past few days & weeks, in the form of questions like :  
'God, can't You see we need a home?  why are you withholding it from us? ' .

these questions - and my deeper impatience - are really only indicators of realities in me,  the parts of me that say 'i know what i need, and i'm going to FIND IT . '    and while there's nothing wrong with looking for a home, the kicker is when i'm hunkered down at the computer with my sweat pants on, with glazed-over eyes & a full bladder searching on craigslist for houses with a "studio space" or "writer's retreat" (which always proves unfruitful even though i'm still hoping someone will have a beautiful artist studio they're willing to sell me)  and i'm pushing, and pushing more and determined & stubborn & then i hear a calm, subtle, clear voice say 

'    a b i d  e   '  .


ohhhhhh i know -   i know  -   in that moment?   i'm not .  i'm just not .  i'm freaking OUT & spinning my wheel & i'm the opposite of abiding . 

i'm realizing in this current, uncomfortable season of not-knowing & longing that my wrestling with trusting Him can only be met honestly and understood in light of Truth about who He really is .  

'Thank God because He's good,
because His love never quits . '   Psalm 118 

and 

'My thoughts are not your thoughts
neither are your ways My ways,
declares the Lord . 
for as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways
& My thoughts than your thoughts . '  Isaiah 55:8-9 

oh, i want my heart to know this so well .  even if the next days & weeks & months or however long  are spent in a place of asking, 'ok, Lord . i'm Yours, we want to serve You and worship You...  so show us what you desire for us, here, in this place .  '  

for me, it's easier hoped for & spoken about then done .   but i'm oh so thankful our God is faithful...
& so so patient .   unlike me .