waiting isn't just about what you are hoping for at the end of the wait 
         but also about what you will become as you wait. 

--- Paul David Tripp
'Shelter in the Time of Storm'


this season is pressing in and turning me inside out... not the calendar season, or Montana's faux-spring-in-winter, but this life & soul season of waiting.   

six months ago we put our house on the market, feeling led to another place geographically & also relationally, closer to friends in the city, and with intentionality of having a family. our conversations over the last several months have turned to what we desire for 'our family home' & talking about pregnancy & adoption, starting our own family, the beauty and hope of it all drawing us so deeply.

it's now february,  our house still for sale and so far pregnancy feels like it's a thousand miles away. 

my heart feels wrenched some days,  in moments especially when i see instagrams of pregnancy announcements,   lovely nurseries new moms have made,  families growing and expanding while we seem to be in this one place, still.  just waiting & asking & waiting some more.

i've been thinking about what i'll remember when i look back at this season....  

the word longing is what comes to mind.   it's stamped on these weeks & months:  longing in the waiting.  for change, for movement forward, for a new home, for a family, for something to give way, for the next chapter.

i think a year or two from now i'll remember my own junk - how i panicked a hundred times, how the 'if only's'  & the 'why's' have swallowed me.  how doubt & discouragement won too often.  how even anger took hold of my heart & my thoughts & attitude, made me negative & harsh & weary.   this is not my finest season...  my waywardness is instant, so quick to toss me off a Purposed course.   

i wonder how many of you are experiencing your own painful season of waiting...  maybe you're longing to be a mom & it's just not happening.   or you're waiting to make that geographic move you've been aching for.   or you hate your job & nothing else is showing up.    or you're dying to find reconciliation in a relationship that feels hopeless. 

how can i know Jesus in this place of waiting and the in-between discomfort?   what does my relentless pining give way to?   doubts & fears,  disheartenment,  anger at God,  for starters.   & i'm pretty sure every nuance of those has manifested itself in me in the last few months.    

this morning christopher & i read this together: 

"He is committed to using every tool at His disposal to rescue you from yourself
and to shape you into the likeness of His Son...    

waiting is one of His primary shaping tools".    


"waiting isn't just about what you are hoping for at the end of the wait 
         but also about what you will become as you wait."

--- Paul David Tripp
'Shelter in the Time of Storm'

those words confront so much in me today.  
what will i become as i wait?  
how is He changing me to be more like Him in this season when i wonder if change will ever get here?  because it's not so much about me getting what i desire, but about taking note of where my heart goes in these tough places.  when i don't get what i want, even if it is good & seems right & the best thing, oh it brings out the ugly.   i am witness to this, emphatically.  

even though this season has been kicking my butt,  i'm returning to this -  
that i want to know Jesus, deeply, deeply.  

& i want to know the movement of my heart towards Him, 
even if everything around me seems to be standing still.


today He is beckoning me to look at Him,  not at circumstance, longing, heartache, envy, or striving.  

even in the waiting,  even in the not yet.   may we take courage,  may we look to Him as our only Hope.   may we be the ones who are changed through it all as seekers of the One who is our Constant and All.   

Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage;  Wait for the Lord!   Psalm 27:14   //    Let Your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in You.    Psalm 33:22  .


(photograph of us above taken by Cluney Photo) .